When I’ve spoken to leaders lately, there’s been an almost guilty admission that it can feel really draining right now, to hold space for and support their teams.
If you too are feeling the weight of this, this blog post is for you.
Given what’s being asked of us right now, as leaders and listeners, I wanted to share six practices to support yourself and in turn, those you are listening to.
As a coach, I’ve been trained in how to listen. I read books on listening. Listening is a key component of what I do.
But it doesn’t make me a perfect listener. It doesn’t mean it’s always easy.
In fact, in the spirit of vulnerability, you may be surprised to know that listening is one of my learned behaviours as opposed to a realised strength.
This means I’m able to be good at it, when I connect with a greater purpose and manage my energy wisely, but it’s not something I can do day in and day out without feeling a bit drained by it.
Thanks to the recommendation from Thinking With Jude’s Jude Sclater, I’m enjoying Nancy Klein’s Time to Think – Listening to Ignite the Human Mind book.
In it, there’s a brilliant quote about listening:
“The quality of your attention (as a listener), determines the quality of other people’s thinking.”
Inspired by Nancy’s call to good attention, I've pulled together six practices that support me to LISTEN as a coach and that I encourage coaching clients or workshop participants to try out to increase the quality of their attention and in turn, support the quality of the thinking of those around them.
L is for LETTING your ego down gently, but firmly
Given that we grew up being rewarded for speaking up in class and sharing “the right answer” and we now spend all day trying to get a word in edgeways on a 20-person Zoom call, is it any wonder that it’s nearly impossible to commit to holding space fully for someone without the urge to offer advice, a personal anecdote or fill in a pause?
The impulse to stroke our ego, to finish sentences, to interrupt, to show how much we know, to be seen as the expert is STRONG.
And in other parts of our day we are called to fight fires, solve problems and resolve issues.
So when it comes time to bring my attention to listening, I find it can be really helpful to consciously acknowledge my ego and the parts of myself that might be tempted to muscle in when I'm intending to listen.
Then I thank the “expert”, the “fixer”, the “problem solver” for the times recently where it’s been appropriate for them to have come to the fore. Finally, I gently, but firmly pop them “on the bench” for the moment and instead invoke the parts of myself that are more suited to being present when I’m listening to someone.
Reflection: Where else in my world, outside a listening conversation with someone, do I get to be the “expert” and the “fixer”?
I is for INVITING your other strengths to support you
I mentioned earlier that listening is one of my learned behaviours. But it’s obviously something that’s pretty key for my work as a coach and facilitator.
When I’m working with a client on a Strengths Assessment, one of the questions we explore around learned behaviours is “What realised strength could you partner with this learned behaviour to support you?”.
Put another way, what qualities that you are also good at and that energise you to do them, would be helpful to engage here?
This is something I think about for me and listening – when it comes to a coaching conversation or group workshop, I’m energised to listen because it supports me to help others to believe in themselves (esteem-builder) and to enable them to take action (enabler).
Reflection: What other strengths could I draw upon to support me when I'm listening?
S is for SCHEDULING smartly
If you have control or influence over your calendar, then take a moment to ask yourself when in the day makes most sense to schedule your availability for a listening conversation, so that you can bring your best attention to that appointment?
By the end of the day, many leaders have little or no listening energy left to give.
Others are only just starting to get going late afternoon, so a morning session first thing is not great for them.
Equally, when in the week do you find your energy naturally flows that you can tap into for this?
Does a wall of meetings on Monday mean you won't have the attention capacity required – or is it a welcome break from your other types of “start of the week” meetings?
On a Friday, do you have a full dose of that positive Friday feeling and have a second wind of energy to give to others, or are you done-in after a full week and ready to hide behind your screen?
Reflection question: If I could pick the perfect time in my week to offer someone my attention, to listen to them it would be _______. If I could block off the worst time for me to be asked to give someone good attention, it would be ______.
T is for TAKING a moment to be present
There’s a good chance you’ll be jumping out of an intense meeting, or pausing part way through preparing a document on a deadline when you find yourself being called to show up for someone in your team and listen.
What ways can you take a moment to be present, calm and grounded before joining the conversation so that the first impression for the other person in the conversation is that you are here to be present?
When we start working together in 1:1 coaching, or as part of the Aligned Ambitions Group Coaching Program, I work with clients to design their “container”. Part of this is the rituals or routines they’re going to commit to, to support themselves and layer around the work we do in our weekly or fortnightly calls. Often, this might involve scheduling in a 10-15 minute buffer ahead of our calls to just down tools and get in the right head space.
But if time is tight, ask yourself, what could I do in the 1-2 minutes before I jump on this call to allow me to be in the best possible place to show up?
Some simple things to do with your body – can you get out of the chair you’re in and shake everything out for a moment? Could you shift where you are sitting within the room?
Try some Box Breathing – breathe in for four, hold for four, out for four, hold for four. Taking a few deep breaths triggers a signal within your nervous system to slow your heart rate, lower blood pressure, and decrease the cortisol that’s racing around.
Reflection: If I only have 60 seconds before logging into a listening call, what would be the most effective thing for me to do beforehand to feel grounded, calm and present? If I had 5 minutes, what would I do?
E is for ENCOURAGING empowered sharing
Remember, you are not a mind reader and the other person isn’t expecting you to be one.
How can you empower and encourage them to take some responsibility for articulating what it is they need from you today?
I do this in 1:1 coaching sessions and we also do this in my workshops – when you are working with someone else in a breakout room, in the first breakout there’s extra time given for you to respond to the prompt “what do I need from someone listening to me today?”.
In the sharing circle afterwards I’m always blown away by the impact that one question has for participants, both in terms of feeling empowered to stop and think what they need from their listening partner, but also in terms of as listening partners how freeing it is for us to know a bit more about what the other person might need.
It’s especially reassuring if you have an ego that’s still clamouring to speak up and share advice, to be told by that other person that right now what they need is someone to just hear them out and not offer answers.
Reflection: How does it feel to consider explicitly asking the other person what they need, rather than assuming or guessing what they might need?
N is for NEEDING our own listening spaces too
Finally, have you got a container for you right now?
Who is giving you their best attention and truly listening to you?
As a coach, I know how powerful it can be for my clients to feel seen, heard and supported. As a facilitator of peer mentoring circles, I know how powerful it is to connect with others in a safe space and reflect upon these volatile, uncertain, complex and ambiguous times...
On the flipside, because I know how powerful these can be, I also prioritise them for myself.
As a coach I meet regularly with my brilliant supervisor and can really feel it when I’m coming up due a supervision session.
I have also built and regularly tap into supportive peer support groups to provide space for me to share and reflect and be heard.
If you are currently stepping up and supporting others, ask yourself who is doing the same for you – and if there’s not a natural, ready answer how could you engage someone, like a coach or a peer mentoring circle to support you?
Reflection: What safe spaces are there for me right now to feel seen and heard and listened to? When was the last time I tapped into this support?
Missing a supportive space for YOU to be seen and heard? This is something we can explore together through 1:1 coaching (I’ve got spaces opening up in March 2021). Reach out to find out more - or book in a free call to chat here.
Unsure of whether listening is a strength of yours, or one of those learned behaviours I mentioned? Wondering what other strengths you could leverage? I’m taking bookings in February for single session Strengths Assessment debriefs if you’re curious to find out - book your free exploratory call here
Seeking a bigger picture view of what you're feeling right now or curious to explore your energy patterns right now? Book yourself in for the next Energy Map workshop in February here to see where you might be able to unlock some more energy for yourself.