I’ve been spurred to write this post, based on the number of questions I have been asked this year from clients, friends and my wider network about how as millennials, we can best go about engaging with a therapist.
I’m extremely grateful for the wonderful therapists I’ve worked with personally - both in terms of addressing inner child work in my past and also this year, with finding new ways to hold myself amidst the “great unravelling” that 2020 has revealed itself to be.
It’s also not uncommon that when I’m working with a coaching client or even in our initial conversation, it emerges that a relationship with a therapist either ahead of us working together or in tandem, would be a really powerful combination.
Based on this, I pulled together a list of the questions “you want to know, but might have been afraid to ask” when it comes to seeking a therapist or a counsellor.
They’re the ones I know I had and have also heard from friends and clients about the process of finding a therapist. I then put them to Ali Xavier (of Tilia Therapy), Danielle Bottone (of JourneyOn) and Meryn Addison (of Time to Bloom Therapy) who are therapists and counsellors working with millennials, as well as Louise Chunn who founded Welldoing.org, a therapy and counselling directory.
What I love about everyone’s answers is that it really demonstrates how personal our individual approaches to therapy and counselling may be. You’ll see some common threads emerging below but also note the different perspectives. I include them all not to confuse, but to offer permission to explore what might work best for you!
So, how do you know you’re “ready” – or that it’s “a good time” to engage with a therapist?
“Therapy is a safe space for you to explore your life and emotions with an objective, non-judgemental professional and therefore anybody can benefit from therapy, if you are willing to be honest and engage with the process. People are often unsure when to begin therapy and I hear frequently that clients feel as though they aren’t ill enough to need help,” says Meryn.
“Knowing when you are 'ready' is an individual process, trying to ensure you feel comfortable to personally invest the consistent time, money and energy required for therapy is important,” says Danielle. “Seeing a therapist can be beneficial at any point or stage in your life, but having a good understanding about what you want to get from the therapy is important. Some common reasons for starting therapy are; experiencing an event/series of events which have had an impact on your life and you wish to speak about them, patterns you have noticed in your life which you want to address and feelings/moods you have noticed which you would like to work through.”
Meryn meanwhile says that sometimes you might not be able to articulate what exactly it is that’s drawing you towards seeking a therapist or counsellor: “Many people that come to therapy aren’t sure exactly what their issue is as they feel confused but with a general sense of unhappiness, and therapy can help you to make sense of your experience & gain clarity. Therapy can be particularly beneficial if you are experiencing intense emotions, a sense of confusion, loss of direction or feelings of overwhelm, but it can & does help people at all stages of their life.”
“Going with your gut – the second brain - is really important here,” suggests Ali. “That niggly feeling that some ‘stuff’ might benefit from being externalised with someone. Catching that at the right time is significant, and actually reflected in my business name. Tilia is the latin name for the Lime Tree. It has a really cool seed that lies dormant, only sprouting at the right time in the very perfect conditions. For therapy to be effective, it’s important that the individual engages at their right time, with their right therapist.”
“I think it’s important to therefore state that you don’t necessarily have to have anything ‘wrong’ with you to engage in therapy; I have clients who use therapy as part of their own self-maintenance, perhaps through times of decision-making and change, or trying to form a deeper understanding of themselves. I do believe that these clients help themselves build their resilience through times of crisis, and are able to tackle challenges with a different foundation.”
Maybe you’ve been thinking about it for awhile? That’s OK too, says Louise: “A lot of people say that they put off trying therapy for months or years, but that indecision may be part of the journey of finally making an appointment. You shouldn’t blame yourself if it feels difficult; talking to a stranger about things you may have never discussed with anyone else is not supposed to be effortless!”
There are a number of different styles/approaches to therapy and counselling – how do you find the ones that might work best for you?
“These approaches reflect different styles of working with the client, and different tools and interventions that might be used in the therapeutic process,” explains Ali. “Therapists will provide their therapeutic flavour in their directory listing, through their blurb, and their qualification and training institution will also be informative.”
“I was trained integratively, which means I used a number of approaches in my work depending on client need. A good therapist-client match is indicative to good therapeutic outcomes, so it’s worth doing some research to work out what might be best for you.”
The different theories and approaches can be overwhelming and off putting, acknowledges Meryn who like Ali, works in an integrative way.
“However, research has shown that the main factor in the client’s healing is the relationship between client and therapist, you have to be able to trust them and your personalities must compliment each other to get the most out of the process. Therefore it is far more important that you work with a therapist that you think you will get on with rather than worrying about the different styles and approaches (and don’t be afraid to change therapists if it isn’t working for you!).”
After her own personal experience of seeking a therapist, it was this sense of overwhelm that contributed to Louise’s desire to build a “match.com” for clients to find their ideal practitioner. “When you search on Welldoing.org, you don’t need to know the types or therapy jargon; the questionnaire leads you towards the therapists whose style and experience best matches your needs.”
What ways can you research potential therapists?
Personally, I’ve found both of my therapists through personal recommendations and referrals, largely thanks to my leadership coach training at The Institute of Psychosynthesis.
If you’re starting from scratch, there are a number of routes you can try, such as:
Registers of the official psychotherapeutic bodies in the UK such as British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) (Ali, Meryn and Danielle are all registered here). Most allow you to filter your search depending on location, area of specialism, method of therapy etc.
Meryn also notes that there is a similar register for therapists that have the qualifications to provide therapy online so if you are wanting to work with a qualified therapist via either webcam or email then head to the Association for Counselling & Therapy Online (ACTO) register to find someone with the appropriate training.
Other associations include: UK Council for Psychotherapy (UKCP), British Psychological Society (BPS), National Counselling Society (NCS).
A directory platform like Welldoing.org, where in addition to the standard directory, you can also pay a fee for a Personalised Matching Service, to get additional help finding a shortlist of therapists who could be a good fit.
Then, as a next step, Ali and Meryn both recommend checking out their websites, blogs and social media accounts (if applicable) to get a feel for them, their approach and their personality and build out a shortlist.
What are the must-haves you’ll want to see (qualifications, accreditation, insurance, supervision etc)?
“In the UK, the titles ‘therapist’ & ‘counsellor’ are not protected meaning that anybody online can call themselves a therapist without breaking the law,” Meryn explains. “Therefore it’s important to research that the therapist you want to work with has the appropriate training.”
“Therapists should be working to a professional framework that would normally be explained at the beginning of the therapeutic relationship, through a working agreement or contract that you both sign,” advises Ali. “Standard practices here should include their membership to a professional body (BACP, UKCP, and so on), insurance that includes personal indemnity and public liability cover. It’s also good to check they have good practices for record-keeping, and that the space you meet in is conducive for therapy to take place.”
How much do you need to reveal when you first reach out to a therapist?
“This is entirely up to you,” says Louise. “An email to a therapist might simply say ‘I want to see you, when are you available?’. Therapists don’t mind. Their work starts once you are in a session with them. They are trained to avoid the quick-fire first assumptions that many of us make.”
“I always say to clients in the beginning of their therapy to think about how they feel in my presence, and only offer what initially feels safe enough,” says Ali. “That might mean withholding some information for a while; for some that means we might not get to the root of what they are bringing to counselling for a few weeks – which is absolutely fine. Others choose to share more fairly quickly. The therapist should certainly not force information from you; your own sense of agency is vital in order to be able to engage fully in the therapeutic process.”
Can you reach out to more than one therapist to find one that works best for you?
The answer to this one was a unanimous yes!
“Absolutely!” affirms Danielle. “I always encourage prospective clients to do exactly this. Whittle your list of potential therapists to around three, and make contact with them all. See how you feel when they respond, speak to them on the phone, ask the necessary questions that are important to you about how they work and what you are looking for. Every therapist works differently, so be sure to look around for one that makes you feel comfortable.”
“I have found an increasing trend of ‘try before you buy’, where potential clients do a few initial consultations with a few therapists before they commit to meeting with the one,” shares Ali. “Those who work in private practice (i.e. not an agency or the NHS) will often be happy to have a chat prior to meeting, or some offer a reduced initial consultation fee, which might help to make a decision about the best fit for you.”
As Louise shares, even the signals you get outside that initial chat can be useful information for how you make your decision: “How the therapist gets back to you, whether it’s in good time, these things can mean a lot when you may be feeling anxious or sensitive.”
What does the initial process look like – when would you expect to be able to speak to them? Can it be done virtually over Zoom? When would you be expected to pay?
“This will be different for all therapists and whether they have a full diary and a waiting list, and whether they work face to face or online,” says Meryn. “In my private practice I offer all clients a 15-30 minute free Zoom consultation which is an opportunity to just have a chat about what has brought them to therapy, what they would like to work on and gain from the process and for them to get to know me & ask me any questions they may have. If we decide to work together I email them some paperwork to complete ahead of our first session and an invoice to pay.”
“Beginning processes really vary from therapist to therapist, so it’s worth asking this question to them directly before you meet,” suggests Ali. “At Tilia, after the initial contact, we send a referral form that asks for some brief information about the client and their presenting issues they’d like to bring to therapy. We then organise an initial consultation (which at the moment is only happening online), that doesn’t lock the client into counselling but is explorative to see whether the therapist is a good fit for the client, and vice versa. The initial consultation explores the client and their history and goes into their presenting problems but normally not at too much depth, and explores what they want to get out of therapy – always holding a preferred future in mind. I never demand an on-the-spot response from clients to decide if they want to continue, but suggest they give it 24-hours thought to be able to reflect on the resonances of the session. I think a better decision can be made from there.
Louise notes the impact that this year’s pandemic has had on the mode of therapy: “Using Zoom is now the norm for therapy, though it used to be a rarity. Covid has forced therapists online and now they have discovered therapy can work very well in this way. For example, clients are often less inhibited in their own space (so long as it’s private enough) and it can mean that the therapy itself can be done over a shorter time period.”
Payment preferences can differ by therapist. Some require payment in advance of the session, while others offer a 24-hour payment window after each session.
How would you know it was a “good fit”?
“A ‘good fit’ is someone you feel comfortable to be open with,” says Louise. “But also you need to feel that they can ask difficult questions, in their mission to understand you, and then stretch you.”
Danielle agrees: “A good indicator of a good fit is feeling safe and comfortable to be open and share during sessions. Therapy should allow you to feel heard, listened to and explore the topics you bring without judgement. If you have discussed goals or expectations at the beginning, it is likely a good fit will lead to you feeling as though these expectations/goals are being met gradually over time.”
“Therapy requires you to be honest so if you feel that you will be able to be honest with the therapist and they seem warm, approachable and non-judgemental then they should be a good fit,” offers Meryn. “Obviously you aren’t going to tell them everything straight away and it is natural to want to get to know them before trusting them with your vulnerable emotions but you should get the sense that you will be able to open up with them if you continue working together.”
“Going with your gut is so important here!” says Ali. “When I sourced my current therapist I was surprised that I connected with someone who was so different to me; on paper we didn’t really work, but she had been recommended to me by a friend, and we just clicked. I just knew I could be free to be me, and my gut gave me raw permission that she was going to be OK. She was more than OK; I continue to meet with her now 5 years on.”
And what if it’s not a good fit?
“If you are unsure whether you and your therapist are a good fit, bring the conversation up in a session and talk about it,” suggests Danielle. “It is likely this conversation alone will help to determine whether you are.”
Meryn agrees: “If you feel that something isn’t working or you aren’t happy with something they have said or a technique used then bring it up in session to look at together. A good therapist will provide a safe space to explore difficult feelings and conflict and this can improve the therapeutic process, if they do not handle this well maybe it is time to look for another therapist.”
“I’ve had clients who have broken up with a previous therapist because they just didn’t fit; similarly to the chemistry and fit between romantic partners, sometimes it works amazingly, and sometimes it just doesn’t,” shares Ali. “Thank goodness for diversity in therapeutic training and approaches, to suit everyone’s preferences. If your first experience with a therapist doesn’t feel right, listen to those feelings and return to those directory listings.”
How does coaching differ from therapy? How do they sit alongside each other?
As I mentioned in the introduction earlier, it’s not uncommon that when working with a coaching client or even in our initial conversation, that it emerges that a relationship with a therapist either ahead of us working together or in tandem, would be a really powerful combination.
“Therapy and coaching sit richly together; I don’t believe they should be separated but are complimentary together for a healthy therapeutic process,” says Ali. “Typically, coaching would be considered skills and future-focussed, and therapy considered problem and past-focussed. The purists would probably still claim this, and to a certain extent, there is some truth in that. But in order to work with the person as a whole, integratively, as we do at Tilia, it’s important to draw on both approaches. I frequently integrate Solutions-Focussed Therapy into my work, which is all about holding the preferred future in mind. It doesn’t neglect the past, but wholesomely allows the client to work through their presenting issues with a forward focus. Sometimes, where there might be stuck-ness, it’s important to look more into the past; for example where clients have experienced trauma or loss, where the therapeutic process helps them to come to terms with their experiences.”
Meryn agrees that there are overlaps between the two fields, acknowledging that “people may experience them similarly, especially as all coaches and therapists are individuals and therefore the process is always unique. The main difference for most coaches and therapists will be their training and background so always look into that and see what aligns with what you desire from the process, and speak to them about what your desired outcome is.”
Is there anything that you wish millennials knew about therapy?
“My client base is almost exclusively millennial, and in my opinion, as a fellow millennial, they are the best age group to work with!” says Ali. “They ask incredible questions about the world, challenge the status quo, have a clarity on their effect in society, engage with their rights, and are not afraid to explore difference and diversity.”
“There’s no shame in engaging in therapy,” celebrates Ali. “I think the narrative surrounding mental health has really shifted in the last ten years, and we are more open than ever before about human struggle, which is incredibly helpful. For some, though, therapy represents problems and weakness. Your therapist will be ready to meet you where you are at, to support a process of change. It can be hard work, sometimes going to some very dark places. But in journeying that and coming out of the other side, it’s absolutely worth it.”
“Honestly, for me, it’s the best job in the world; it’s such a privilege being part of a client’s engagement in their life stories and experiences, to reveal whole new perspectives about themselves – resulting in healing and freedom for difference in their futures. People often say to me ‘I don’t know how you can do your job…’ but honestly, it’s just the best watching those changes come about.”
Meryn acknowledges the generational gap that can exist in therapeutic relationships: “Millennials have had to put up with a lot of negativity in the media and because of this some may feel that older generations will judge them in a similar way, which may put some millennials off accessing therapy as 80% of therapists are over the age of 45!”
“However myself and other millennial therapists are passionate about helping millennials in therapy with our professional training and also our experience of growing up as millennials ourselves. I love that millennials are so much more open about mental health & emotional wellbeing, and I think this will go a long way in reducing the stigma around these topics. So if you feel concerned about this, please know that millennial therapists are out there ready to work with you, and lots of them are on Instagram so come connect with us there.”
Louise wants to make sure that therapy feels accessible too: “People think therapy will be expensive and many suspect they will get tied up for years if they start. But there are plenty of ways you can find affordable therapy. For example, we have trainees in their final year who are students members of the main professional associations. They offer therapy at reduced prices. Also, many therapists offer short-term therapy, often with a fixed number of sessions such as six or eight.”
Connect with Ali, Meryn, Danielle and Louise below:
Ali Xavier | Founder and therapist, Tilia Therapy
We are a team of two BACP registered therapists who use integrated models of therapy to help individuals overcome challenges and reach potential, and break free from past hurts and traumas. Due to COVID, we’re currently only working online but are normally based in Clapham Junction and Sutton, South London.
Danielle Bottone | Integrative Counsellor - JourneyOn
Danielle is a qualified Integrative Counsellor and founder of JourneyOn Counselling and Therapeutic Services. Danielle has a particular interest in intercultural practice and trauma - acknowledging that therapeutic services are not widely accessed by all cultures within the UK. Danielle started JourneyOn not only to provide her therapeutic services to clients, but to encourage and inform individuals who may not have considered therapeutic support.
Meryn Addison MBACP | Online Therapist for Millennials – Time To Bloom Therapy
A therapist working online with millennials via email and webcam. Meryn helps millennials who are anxious, lost, stressed & depressed and works collaboratively with them to support their emotional wellbeing, develop skills in self care and to foster a deeper understanding of their emotions and their own story.
Louise Chunn | Founder - Welldoing.org
Welldoing.org can find the right therapist for you. They have more than 11,000 therapists and counsellors enrolled in the UK. Plus authoritative, professionally-vetted resource material and advice on mental health and wellbeing.